I felt as if I was no longer important. Its been 5 years since we first met. It was like love at first sight. The magic, the excitement was unbelievable. I felt pride, I felt secure, yearning to prove how much I valued this relationship.
I felt important and cared for. My day started with thoughts of how I could prove my love and loyalty. I retired in bed with my phone in hand, waking up at a slight buzz, eager to make sure I was always there.
My life started to weave around this relationship and none seemed more important, no one could claim my time or maybe I felt no one deserved.
Few years into our relationship, I started to feel a void, I felt I was losing my identity, I was being molded to fit into someone’s expectations. Valid, but not at the cost of my individuality.
Was it me? Was I expecting too much. I began to deliberate, think of a life without this relationship. If I have to move on, it will be like uprooting myself, it will be painful for I had grown here to become what I am today.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, but I knew that deep inside I was looking at a beautiful tomorrow. I felt I was right.
These are the most unbelievable days of my life. These days were going to change me forever. Just got married this morning. Early morning marriage, what a time to get married I thought. Arranged marriage it was.
I seriously thanked my stars and my in-laws for not being the lovey-dovey type. They did not hurl compliments at me, they did not choose my saree, make-up and beautician, they did not shower readymade praises and ready-to-use packaged love on me.
Thank goodness, I thought. I had imagined the typical TV soap scene. My mother-in-law a retired office runner was very understanding and sweet. Gave me a lot of space to be myself.
By the way, where is my husband, I saw him in the morning. Aren’t we supposed to be like magnets, sitting together with an army of relatives, laughter and song, teasing and gossip, while I talk less, smile at everyone, be introduced to his relatives, listen to their family stories, cuddle kids, prove that I am the sweetest new aunty or sister, be likeable, if possible lovable, lower my head till my neck pains, feel shy and blush. My filmy expectations were happily shattered. None of this happened and I sighed in relief.
Actually, it was nothing like a ‘marriage house’ to me. A small family, with professionally thriving relatives who had struggled to get leaves for the marriage. And now a total wipeout, no relatives in the house, all of them strategically employed in the after marriage work
Peep out of the window and I chuckled, to see my husband working, making payments to some people, calculating the expenses with a ‘calculator’. I could not help but laugh. Where on earth am I. Forgive me for being so practical, but that’s me. Can’t help. Being a simpleton is so over, I thought.
You may wonder why I said yes to the marriage.
Well, I was a struggler, from a family of not much consequence. From my childhood, I have learnt to adjust to what life had given me. Most of the time it was bad and sometimes good. So I was deep inside grateful for all I received in life.
I liked to think of myself as a badass, ‘Marriage happens, let’s face it and if anything goes wrong, life has trained me enough to handle it’. That was my attitude.
At heart, I valued that this marriage was an informed decision, that my parents knew the family to be good and respectable, that the groom was a responsible guy.
I personally had evaluated the Features, Benefits and Advantages of this proposal. So I guess this was enough for me to say yes. I was neither happy nor sad, I was in a strange space.
In our ‘arranged marriage meeting’, when the prospective groom came to see the prospective bride, our families spoke more than he and I did. It was a green signal from the groom’s family. And here we are.
“Are you happy with this marriage”? My mother had asked me, ‘I am neither happy nor sad about this marriage and I have no one in mind so I guess it’s a Yes’, I said. Thus began the marriage preparations.
We didn’t speak much before marriage. And when we spoke he asked me about my family, what I like and dislike. I had a feeling that he is not the conversation type. Another phase of life, I thought.
Lost in thoughts, looking out of the window, my husband still busy working, a simple guy, responsible and hardworking. ‘He is just like his mother’. I said.
He comes in and says, ‘Shall we go out for lunch’? ‘Ya sure, why not’ said I.
As we sit at lunch, he looks into my eyes, lowers his head, smiles and again looks into my eyes and says, ‘I Love You’. I was about to burst into laughter, but stopped myself being rude and said, ‘Love? I mean so fast?
You don’t even know me well, all you know is my name, my family, where I work and that’s it’.
He said, ‘But we are married’. I tried to be as polite as possible and said, ‘I’m sorry if I’m a bit practical, I mean how can love just start off, just because we are married’.
He smiled and said nothing. He was sweet to change the topic to other things. He may be sweet, but I also found him silly. Is he really so silly and backward to equal marriage to love? Where am I stuck, I practical, he dreamy, we are so parallel. There is no way we can have a life together. I thought.
Next day, he came up with a fun plan. He tried to match up to my practicality and seriously high energy levels. He understood me as the fun-loving kind, and I was that. I loved speed, I loved fun, spontaneity and anything that was unpredictable. So it was movies, shopping, drives, meeting mine and his friends. He thought this is being cool and fun. So he did it all.
I was having a blast; I knew all this is for me, so I enjoyed the attention. I’m quite a hard head. ‘Soon the boy’s going to tire wooing me’. It was like his breezy emotions are going to crash against my stone heart. ‘I’m not the princess type my dear’, I wish I could tell him.
One evening I decided to meet my friends. Before starting I tried to inform my husband but he did not answer my phone call. So I set out leaving a text message.
Teasing, gossip and food, had a great time with my friends. Did not realize it was good 4-hours of fun. Then my sister calls on my friend’s phone, ‘Where are you and where is your phone, your in-laws are worried’. That’s when I realized, I had forgotten my phone at home. My husband had called my sister.
It was almost dark. I hurried home, got out of the cab. And there was my husband standing in the street. Wearing a red jacket because of the cold. I saw him and he saw me. Then he smiled a big hearty smile. Pure joy on his face. He was so happy to see me; he was waiting for me.
Am I worth this much I thought? Does he really love me?
I said, ‘Why did you have to wait outside, in the cold for me’. He said ‘You are my responsibility’.
It took me sometime to understand that, my husband equated responsibility to love, care to romance and respect to marriage.
Can I ask for more? It took me a lot of time to learn his ways. I started to become what he was making me. I loved without fear, believed without questioning and was ready to give and receive love without being practical.
To him, love, respect, responsibility and care were the same. But for me, I first respected him, then took care of him and now I’m in love with my husband.
I am indebted to my wife for everything in my marriage life. I was disastrously raised to be unproductive, this showed in all I did. My childhood was tarnished with criticism, low self esteem and laziness. I would dwindle away time, money and enthusiasm, for the lack of advice, patience and encouragement, that my guardians failed to render. I cannot complain because, when misery makes its home under your roof, the family as a whole becomes a failure. No one was to blame for who I was.
I earned from our well established family garments business, founded by our forefathers, which was able to provide for all of us decently and serve as a cover to my lethargy.
If someone’s looking for me, you can find me in our garden, sitting there, shoulders drooped, legs swinging, hands clasped, staring at nothing. This was me.
Idleness to me is not, movies, soaps, internet surfing and not even friends. Idleness to me is the basic dictionary meaning, ‘having no employment’, No means ‘Nothing’.
My education could have provided a better and more competent designation, had I decided to work with other enterprises, organizations or the so called dazzling professions, but I was scared that working with people will expose my sloth and folly. I wanted to be undiscovered, so I remained a professional Invalid.
My marriage was arranged with a girl who was, as i feared a through professional. She was enthusiastic, energetic, full of life, confident and after marriage I discovered, demanding and opinionated.
The first few days of our marriage were parties, rituals, fun, meeting the world of relatives and a lot of eating out. My weight increased and my laziness, a byproduct. All I wanted was lie down, look at the roof and think, actually think nothing.
My wife, after a long holiday, joined work. One day she returned home and found me sitting in my usual place, in our garden, shoulders drooped, legs swinging, hands clasped, staring at nothing. There is a phone my pocket and I would not even surf. She smiled, giving me the benefit of doubt with all her heart.
For goodness sake, how long will I escape the eyes of my ‘Professional Wife’. I would go on to be caught in the prime of my laziness in a few days.
‘You didn’t go to the Garments Shop today? Oh, actually, this is not the festival season, you know, festival is just round the corner and we will get busy then’. It was as if I was requesting her to let me be. I was angry that she was beginning to know me better.
As I said earlier, my wife was a confident, opinionated, achiever and I had this gut feeling that my cover was going to be blown soon.
So here begins ‘my real marriage’. Festival season, she comes home after a tough and tiring day at work. Find me in the same position, shoulders drooped, legs swinging, hands clasped and staring at nothing.
She was I have to say it, ashamed of me. I felt guilt, but why should I feel guilty, the only blessing in my life is this prosperous family business and I have been blessed not to work hard. What is she ashamed about, this is my life and she is the new entrant in my life, she has to understand.
I swallow my small bout of anger, switch on the AC and offered her a glass of water. She takes it.
She : How can you be like this, can you see how hard I’m working…….
I : Who asked you to work hard.
She : Cause there is fulfillment in work, there is self-worth, self-esteem in success.
I : I have already achieved it all.
She : It is not yours, it’s your grandfather’s achievement. What is yours?
This was an insult I could not bear, I walked out.
My wife was a practical millennial. She decided to get this fixed. She stopped talking to me.
I : Listen, this is how I have been forever, I’m not your competent type.
She : You are simply lazy.
She had a hard heart and sharp words. Her love and respect are for those who deserved it.
This is my real wife, with all the new marriage glitter gone, we came face to face with each other’s true nature.
I had no expectations from our marriage and her, she had a lot. She wanted a husband, she could be proud of, could have an intelligent conversation with, could show off and talk about to her friends. She wanted me to be full of life, enthusiasm, high spirits and an accomplisher. I let her down.
I : This is not a love marriage.
She : I know, I would have been more careful, had this not been an arranged marriage.
I : If you are dissatisfied, you need to speak to your father then, because it was he who looked at our family riches and arranged this marriage.
She : He could have never known that you are a loser, hiding behind your family fortune.
I : The family business that you so disregard, is the very reason why we are married, otherwise, you and I would never have married. I would not have seen this day.
She was hurt and started crying. I let her cry.
I return to my usual place, shoulders drooped, legs swinging, hands clasped, staring at nothing. She comes to me, she still has some poison left in her, ‘How can you Forgive Yourself so Easily’.
I hated her for those words. I stormed out in anger, went to the garments shop.
Got into an argument with my manager, I wanted to vent my anger, I asked the employees to present the reports to prove that they are working correctly.
One report check led to another. Evaluation led to, fact finding. Fact finding led to questioning. Questioning led to answers and answers led to solution. In one day, I accomplished what had been pending for months, all in a fit of anger.
I realized my folly. I wanted to repair, but the simpleton I was, I cannot work like this every day. I can’t be a demanding boss every day. I had to find a middle way. I had to teach myself the skill of people management. This will take time.
My wife made me realize, I can work and get work done with efficiency. She introduced me to hidden traits in me.
It’s going to take time to take hold of the business and put things in order. Till I achieve this, I guess I will have to live this cold war, I thought. Her friends suggested she see a marriage counselor.
My only intelligent connection was my college friend who was a marriage counselor. So I meet my marriage counselor friend.
Friend : I can’t counsel her, because I know you very well.
I : You have to counsel her, because you know me very well.
Friend convinced.
So I do have convincing skills.
I devised a plan, I made sure she only got to meet my marriage counselor friend.
Shrewd? No, I want to call myself intelligent.
Marriage Counsellor : So your husband is lazy.
Wife : Yes to the core, to his flesh and I think DNA (very angry)
Counsellor : Before we start, I have a questionnaire, I will ask you some questions and please reply truthfully.
How long have you known him?
Wife: 3 months
Counsellor : How old is he
Wife : 29 years
Counsellor : Has he ever been, rude, violent, verbally or physically abusive with you.
Wife: No
Counsellor : Does he have a parent or guardian, he goes to when he needs some advice, is there an influential person in his life to guide him?
Wife : No, it’s a very distraught family, quite disconnected.
Counsellor : Has he ever mishandled money, squandered it on luxury, bad habits, friends…..
Wife : I have not known, he is a simple guy and has been brought up in a lot of behavioral discipline.
Counsellor : Is he irresponsible towards your needs.
Wife : He is just lazy, but he does care of my needs.
Counselor: Do you think he is a good guy…..
Wife : I guess I will take it up from here. Sorry I would like to leave now.
She comes home. I got complete intelligence from my friend. What is she going to do now? My wife a thorough professional, understood that mine was a skill and will issue.
Wife : There is a huge mountain of issues, we have to deal with.
I : I know
Wife : I have targets at work, every single day, so can I set some targets for my husband.
I : What targets.
Wife : Can you increase the business profit percentage by 40%. Do you think it is possible?
I : It will take time.
Wife : How much time
I: At least a year
Wife : Angry look, but says, ‘Ok’.
I go to work regularly, come home after work and relax. She gets up early, works hard, harder and hardest possible. I pity her that her dreams drive her insane and she pities me that I don’t have a dream. She gives me the ruthless look and I give her the care a damn attitude. We both are still angry with each other.
The truth is, I arranged my counselor friend to speak to her because I wanted her in my life, and she decided to give me a chance, because she did not want to leave me.
If I had not forgiven myself, I could not have changed. Guilt is a bondage. One needs to take correction, forgive one’s self and move on. My biggest achievement is correcting myself.
Time has made me see her as a person of zeal and sincerity. She now understands my limitations and my simplicity. We are happy and satisfied with who we are now and what we are to each other.
I come back from work, sit in my usual place, shoulders drooped, legs swinging, hands clasped, staring at nothing. She comes home from work, looks at me, smiles. I switch on the AC and offer her a glass of water.
Annual report reads, profits have increased by 33%. We both celebrate.
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My mother really liked her and was hell bent that I should like her. So she showed me her photograph. I was a city guy and she had lived in a small town all her life. This fact was something I was not able to appreciate. Nevertheless, she looked pretty in the photograph. I was not very good looking, so she passed the looks parameter. According to my dad, education and family were very agreeable.
To my mother, this was a match made in heaven. Since, all the criteria were met, what on earth can stop this marriage, she thought. So here we were sitting in front of each other in the arranged marriage meeting. Both of us were silent for some time. I initiated the conversation. ‘It’s a beautiful house’, I said. ‘Yes, all credit goes to my mom’, she said nervously.
Silence again, now it’s not my responsibility to continue, why can’t she say something. How do I live with a girl who does not talk? But I have to accept, she is the best among all the photographs my mom showed me.
‘Mom can I meet her one more time please’, ‘let me try’, mom said. We invited her family for my sister’s birthday. So many relatives, not a minute were we left alone.
Decided to take the matter in my hand. She was sitting and talking to my cousins. I sat right in front of her and said, ‘I was told you teach music, what instrument do you teach’. Everyone was surprised and slowly they started moving out and left us alone.
I teach violin. I started practicing when I was in school.
That’s awesome. I have no idea about music, but I love listening to it.
So where do you teach?
I want to apply for a music teacher position at this international school, but I’m scared of the interview.
I know the feeling; I was a mess in my first interview. Don’t worry, it will go well. Just make sure you smile and don’t talk fast, sorry but I observed that when you are nervous you talk really fast.
You noticed that, I know I speak fast? She colored.
The conversation was good. She was able to shed some of her inhibitions at least. But what next, I still was unable to see her as my future wife. I did not feel it in my heart. Mom had not confirmed anything to her family. Everyone was upset that I could not make up my mind. Things would have been easy had I not dared to speak to the girl in front of everyone. Mom called it a hasty act. Dad was very angry. As for me, I gained nothing out of my audacity and managed to complicate everything.
What will happen if I say no? This will set everyone talking. I had unnecessarily dragged the poor girl in all this. I regretted what I did but I wasn’t hasty. All I wanted was to understand her, but no avail.
I had been impulsive and so undecided. Everyone understood my silence as a ‘No’. Relatives gossiped, my mother was sad, the girl’s parents felt insulted. I blamed myself. As fate would have it, we came face to face with their family once again at my aunt’s house. How I dreaded seeing them.
There was cold politeness, so uneasy. But like sunshine on a gloomy day, from behind her father, she smiled at me. Her smile told me that she had no regrets. This was such a relief for me. I was so burdened with guilt. I felt happy and wished all good for her. She made me smile.
All the relatives were busy with the celebrations. I sat happily in the garden. Suddenly, I heard someone call, ‘Sir, Sir’. I was like who the hell is calling me Sir, I turned around to see the ‘Violin Girl’. She managed to sneak into the garden.
She was out of breath, stood before of me and said, ‘Sir, I worked on what you said, I passed the interview, I got my dream job. I cannot thank you enough’.
I lost my words. I came to my senses and said, ‘Wow congratulations’. She smiled and said, ‘I don’t know how to thank you, but thank you so much’.
She left me zapped, I felt the ground fleeting under my feet. I was blushing. I didn’t know what to make out of my feelings. I liked her.
I paced in the garden thinking only about her, I did not understand why I was so uneasy. I was not in love, not a bit, but what is this feeling.
Next 5 mins, I found myself requesting my mother to convince them for the marriage. Was I hasty again, but something in me said I wanted to marry this girl. Why? I have no answer. My mother and dad were shocked, my mother hurried to speak to the family. Everyone was surprised. Her father was unsure, but my mother convinced him.
But my Violin Girl was only surprised. Now it was her turn to show some guts. I was sitting with my cousins and she walks in and sits right in front of me, everyone is surprised. They started moving out to leave us alone. She says, ‘Sir, I don’t understand, but did you just say yes to our marriage?’.
Perplexed and confused was she. I started searching for words. Till now I did not know why I wanted to marry her, but at that moment, I got my answer. I said, ‘I don’t know how and why, but I would like to talk to you all my life. I will never be able to find a simple and sincere Violin Girl like you’. She smiled.
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My Sir was my role model. He was from a rich and famous family. The bungalow was the pride of our town. He was handsome like a demigod, gregarious, zealous, intelligent and atrociously charming.
He was a Civil Engineer and loved to work on the town projects. He was philanthropic, benevolent, merciful and charitable. He constructed reservoirs and schools for the poor.
He was forever the toast of the parties among his cluster of affluent friends. The bungalow was always lit with laughter, songs, parties and also immoral indulgence. The lady of the house, my sir’s wife, never ever was seen by anyone, they say she was ashamed of her husband’s flirtatious life. She always was with their daughter.
My house was a stone throw away from the bungalow. My mother was given my father’s job in the cotton factory. My eyes were always on the bungalow, the glory, the riches, the splendor and the man of the house. He used to smile at me, as I stood watching him come and go in his Mercedes.
One day, he came took me by my hand and said, ‘Come, let’s have dinner’. He made me sit with him at his beautiful table. I looked like a skunk of a boy in my poor clothes. He was to me, a king in his royal robes. He promised my mother, he will take care of all my needs as long as he lived.
I got new clothes, new school and after that day, we did not know want. Our life changed. He was my god. It’s not a small thing that, someone comes and takes away your misery, we did not have to worry about our next meal, we felt protected, blessed and fearfully grateful.
My Sir’s life was not a happy as everyone thought. He was a man of many sorrows. From my childhood I have witnessed, many fights in the bungalow. He never asked me to leave, even if I got up, he would hold my hand, ask me sit and be with him. It was as if he wanted to confess his guilt to someone. I was that someone.
I was with him in his shame. He was ashamed, but bore his punishment, with grace. We would sit and have dinner while, Madam hurled insults at him, from her room upstairs, and he would bear them with patience. He knew, he deserved it.
I was now a Civil Engineer like my Sir. He made me a manager in his construction company. How happy he was. He was now old and forlorn, always sitting in the veranda, in his rocking chair. Madam ceased to quarrel, when she passed away one day.
My Sir’s daughter, came to India to complete the last rites. I saw her after 5 years. She was now a young woman, ethereal beauty, she had taken after her father. Divine charm.
After the rituals were done, my Sir sat in his rocking chair and I sat beside him.
‘My weakness is lust’, he said. I listened, as I always did. I have lived a life my family was ashamed of, I will always be sorry, I will die a guilty man.
Tears rolled down his face, ‘But my daughter, I love her, she is my image, she is me in every way’. ‘Yes Sir she is a royalty like you’, said I.
‘She has my weaknesses, may be she has inherited it from me. I know about her life in US, she is just like me’. I was silent.
I want you to marry her, he held my hands. My son, she will be a punishment to you, but I ask you this, because you are my obedient boy. I know I am selfish. She will put you to shame and you may even hate her, but can you give me this sacrifice.
My son, remember she will be a punishment to you and she cannot be trusted, but my last prayer is that, ‘Your punishment becomes your blessing’.
‘You know Sir, that I can never say no to you. You are my God. Sir died a few days later. One day, Sir’s daughter came to my house with her lawyer.
‘My Father has bequeathed this property to me and you, on the condition that we get married and that we stay married forever’. That is all she said.
We got married the next day. After the formalities, the whole town was invited to celebrate our marriage.
She was vibrant, beautiful and loved her life. It was so herself to flirt. Her friends took me for a fool. Everyone knew our marriage was a deal.
She was her father in every sense, she had his waywardness, but she also had love for everyone, kindness and humility. She treated me with respect and affection, like her father did. She never belittled or insulted me.
I never looked at her as my wife, she was always my Sir’s daughter, my responsibility. After some days, she bid me goodbye, ‘I’m sure you don’t hope for a blessed marriage life with me, do you’, she said unapologetically. I smiled and said, ‘take care’. She smiled, ‘I’ve never seen a guy like you’.
I read about her on page3. I bore the disgrace for my god’s sake, my Sir. At the office everyone looked down on me, my wife and I were the talk of the town. Gossip mills ran high feeding on the flirtatious life of my wife.
I sat in the veranda, in my Sir’s rocking chair and closed my eyes, ‘Sir, call from US, Madam, has attempted suicide’. I was anxious and worried, all through my flight, I remembered my Sir’s words and how much he loved her.
The doctor confirmed she was out of danger. She was lying on the bed, weak and swollen eyes. I was angry and sad, ‘You don’t have any right over your life, your father gave life to you and me. Don’t ever do this again’. She cried.
Next day, as I brought her breakfast, ‘Why did you come for me, do you know anything about me’. ‘I don’t want to know’, said I.
She cried and said, ‘I’m not worth’.
The flight attendant announced the takeoff and we both slipped into slumber after many weary days. We land in India, she makes my home, she returns as my wife, like an excited new bride. She talks endlessly about life, about her, about me and about us, I’m a good listener. She plans a honeymoon for us, a splendid holiday, those were the best days of our life.
Days later, a text message in my phone, ‘I’m on my flight to the US’. I was not one bit surprised, I never set my emotions on her, though I cared for her, she filled my thoughts, but never did I ever allow myself to be fooled that she was mine.
She was her father’s daughter and she was like him, gregarious, flirtatious, wayward. She has inherited her father’s personality and traits, and they controlled her.
As my Sir said, she was my responsibility and punishment.
I sat in my Sir’s chair and prayed that I may have the courage to fulfill my responsibility.
2 months later, one evening, I hurry to the upstairs room. There she was sitting with some files.
‘How are you’, I asked her.
‘I can’t say, I’m good, so let me say…. I’m trying to be good. Well, I guess there is no question of forgiveness, because you know me, our marriage is just a deal. I am as you know, your Sir’s responsibility.
She is in deep pain. I smile.
She wants to build a hospital for our town. She is committed, hardworking and dedicated. She was sad and composed. It looked as if she was trying to make amendments. The hospital was inaugurated, she personally manages the hospital.
‘It’s true, your Sir gave life to you and me, we don’t have any right over our lives, but I am going to try and try with all my heart to be a good daughter and if possible a good wife, I cannot assure you of anything, but I am going to try’.
‘I’m still indebted to my Sir, I don’t have any expectations from our marriage’.
Neither do I. Thank you so much.
We smiled.
The way ahead was not easy, she was zealous like her father to make this marriage work. From the moment my Sir asked me to marry her, she became my responsibility, but I could never trust her. I was always prepared for her to pack her bags and be gone to US.
Time is an imposter, it fooled me, made me weak. I was now waiting for her, missing her, started dreaming of a future together. I started thinking that she was mine, my wife. I was scared to trust her, but I already set my hope on her.
There was a time when I was prepared for anything, now I was fearful, that she will leave me. Day after day, year after year, together we walked for 29 years and it was beautiful and worth.
I remember, my Sir’s last prayer, ‘I pray that your punishment becomes your blessing’.
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Ours is a match made in heaven everyone says. There is love between us, that’s all I can say, because I can’t define our relationship. Should I say magic, that’s not the word. Just can’t define.
Let me explain, we go out, she sees a boy suspiciously alone on the road, she will get down, ask the boy where he lives and make sure he is safe. She does not know the difference between AC and DC, though she got 70 marks in electronic. How is that possible, ‘I don’t like electronic, I mugged up’, she says. Gave me her debit card and pin, within one week of marriage, ‘money should never come between us’, and then asks me for money.
Saves money by using food vouchers when we eat out. Loves cartoons. Has a collection of 80 earrings, scared of horror, loves action movies. Just can’t follow a diet, can’t cook more than the basics, crazy about French fries, pleaded with her sister, to buy her a washing machine, as a marriage gift, ‘I hate washing clothes!’ says she. Bit lazy, but when she wants to work, she will work herself sick.
Ours is a match made in heaven, but it was finalized at a shack. I and my senior were having tea at a shack. I don’t know, I have this strange friendship with the elderly. Half of my friends are double my age.
Hey, that does not mean I am old fashioned. I like to talk to them and even more listen to them. I started working at the age of 18, because of family and financial commitments. So at the age of 33, I almost had 15 years of work experience. So 50+ year colleagues were my friends.
At 18, when other boys went to college, I was a man running a family. I proudly say, I’m a family man in my teenage. I felt sad, when I saw college kids have fun, but I accepted my life with courage. This courage helped me fight but also looked like audacity to many. At heart, I was emotional and scared. I lost my father at a very young age. I had no one to talk to, no one understood my struggle. I had nightmares, where I saw myself, a young teenage boy, fighting monsters. A kind of fear always lived in me.
Life taught me the hard way, or may be the hardest way. I acquired patience, compromise and endurance as virtues. The by-product of all this was a weird sense of humor. My sense of humor was dry and difficult to decipher. I used it on my juniors. They were like, ‘Sir, I didn’t know that you were joking, you scared the life out of me’.
I will ever be grateful to one of my colleagues who was about 50 years. One day he said, ‘I don’t know, how to start this, but I have a friend who is looking for a match for his daughter. This is weird but, will you be interested, can I suggest your name to him’.
I laughed and thanks to my sense of humor, I said, ‘let’s go after office’. My senior agreed. So he called his friend and we went to their house. This was not the first time I went to see a prospective bride, in an arranged marriage meeting.
My sole intention was, marry a girl who earns well, so that we together can work, earn and build a future, I could not build alone.
Actually, she was number 25. ‘Roll no 25’ – there she walks in and sits in front of me. I had evaluated 24 proposals so far, some by meeting them, some by just looking at their photo. I will not brag that I rejected them. I rejected some, some rejected me.
So here we are at No 25. She walks in, I will be remembering this day for the rest of my life, but right now, It was just another meeting, nothing more. She comes in, sits in front of me. My colleague, starts speaking. He speaks about me and my work, that he has known me for 10 years.
I was busy looking at her, innocence was written all over her face, fear smeared and tender eyes. She nodded her head, smiled, was attentive as if she is listening to a lecturer at college. I found her very interesting. I was laughing inside and a grin on my face.
The brat in me overpowered my etiquette. I asked her, ‘Do you know………, she works in your company, she is my cousin’. She startled, like a bird in the face of danger. She said, I don’t know the name, but if I see her I will know.
Her father, was like, ‘did he just talk directly to my daughter’ he thought. And he smiled. He mighty liked me. I was not interested in talking to her father, because I was very interested in this girl. Meeting over. As we walked out, I looked at her and thought, ‘Anyone but You’.
I return home and laughed. I had not seen such a specimen in my life. Did I like her, no I didn’t, I cannot marry such a girl. How does she survive in this world? I needed a smart girl who will be able to help me build our life, I was already lagging in the race of life. All my friends were well settled. I had to accelerate. ‘I can marry anyone but this girl’. So it’s a No.
I was musing and thinking about her the whole next day. Evening at the Tea Shack, I told my colleague my decision. My colleague was a bit disappointed. ‘Ok, that’s it then’.
After I said No. I felt strange. From the moment I saw her till I said ‘No’, she was with me, I could joke about her, think about her, wonder about her, but now I lost her forever, after saying No. This thought came to me like a revelation.
I was practical and I began the evaluation process.
She is innocent, or may be silly.
She is not a survivor, she is not smart.
Not very beautiful either.
She failed in my evaluation. I had a kind of fear on my mind all next day. At work, I enquired if my colleague had come. I was told he is on-site today. I thought I will meet him at the tea shack in the evening, but what if it is too late.
I walked to the site, there was my colleague. I said I want my aunt to meet her. I colleague was upset. He said, ‘I thought you are wiser than your age, that’s why I arranged this meeting. I told my wife to convey your decision. I don’t know if she has informed them.’
First time in my life, I was being impractical or may be afraid. I had been too practical to believe in miracles, but now I was waiting with bated breathe, my colleague calls his wife. ‘My wife has not yet informed them’. I sighed in relief.
Am I just playing with mine and their family’s emotions? I don’t know. I was not as wise as I thought I was.
I urgently called my aunt and told her I was ill and she hurried home. My only guardian, who loved me after my mother. I and my aunt meet the family. May be she brought out the teenager in me. She came, same expression, innocence, this time, she looked at me as if, ‘How many times will you come’. I loved the expression.
My aunt told them that I liked the girl, her father also accepted.
Her father wanted to get us engaged that very moment. As a ritual, we exchanged turmeric, sweets and some fruits. My colleague brought garlands and the engagement was done. My aunt asked if we could speak alone. So she sat in front of me. She was uneasy and I never felt better.
Do you have a tongue in your mouth.
She was shocked.
Then why don’t you speak.
She gave me an angry expression.
Do you like sweets?,
Not much, she replied.
‘Good’.
‘Do you know how to cook?’, I didn’t wait for the answer.
‘I follow a routine, I’m an early riser’.
She looked at me, as if she saw the horror of her dismal future.
I smiled.
We got married that weekend.
We stand beside each other as we get ready to enter the marriage hall. Madam, please look up, the photographer said. She was on the verge of crying.
I held her hand and said, ‘This is the face I want to see everyday’, she was shocked. She stamped my foot and said, ‘Why did you speak to me like that, you know how scared I was, I didn’t even choose my wedding saree, I did some stupid makeup…….’
I looked into her eyes and said, ‘I would have never let you go, I knew you will be mine’.
The wedding pictures were beautiful, because the bride was smiling now.
I can work hard, sacrifice was not new to me, I learnt compromise, but this is the face I want to see when I come home, this is the face I want to see when I wake up. I wanted her in my life. There was a kind of strength in her innocence.
Right now she is bringing the house down, trying to cook, decorate and arrange for our first anniversary party. Breathing heavily, ‘Can we call for catering’.
I looked at her, ‘Why do you start things you can’t complete’. ‘All you can see is money, you can’t see how hard I work……….’.
I hide my smile and dial the caterer’s number. She gave me the innocence, my struggles stole from me.
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I always believed that God is watching us from above. Hence, all my actions are usually directed by this belief. I tried to be good to all and if had to be bad, it was followed by a lot of repentance and sorry. This gave me a lot of self righteousness and pride.
As I grew I think, to some extent I understand how it all works, I think God is compassionate and has mercy on his children, deserving and undeserving. This thought helped me be more considerate towards others.
And then I understood that there will be situations, where you may have to suffer without your fault, you will have to forgive those who hurt you and may have to love, let go and live with them. This made me angry and mad.
So the three principles of life I started working on were, Goodness, Compassion and Forgiveness. Goodness and Compassion, I accepted, the last principle of forgiveness, I am still struggling.
I and my colleague Diba got married the same year. Working with huge teams has an advantage, you have a lot of groups. Birds of the same feather flock together. So I was with my group of simpletons and she was with the high-profile.
So we were just colleagues and not friends. Something stopped me from befriending Diba and she found me too backward to talk to me.
Diba was erstwhile, intelligent and awesome and her marriage was touted as the marriage of the millennium. Mine was an arranged marriage, it was simple, smiles, blushes, congratulations and treat for my friends.
She gushed about herself, her husband, about everything. I didn’t have anything to say, because mine was an arranged marriage.
My husband was a believer in all that was good, and he helped me understand Love, Compassion and Forgiveness. He helped me be at peace with myself and the world. We both are the introvert type, but together, we are talkative.
Our talks are about life, health, work, future, people and anything that happens in our lives. I have to tell him about everything. There is nothing that we know and have not talked or discussed with each other. We learnt so much from our conversations. Proudly I can say, we are best friends.
Diba and her husband divorced after 3 years of marriage. Oh, how I longed to get home and break the news to my husband. He didn’t say anything, ‘Divorce is becoming so common these days, sad’. That’s the end of the topic.
Now the only thing she could go talk-talk-talk about is her kid, how much she pampers, how demanding they are becoming and blah blah blah. My kid was in kindergarten.
Project change, Diba and I have to work together.
Diba : Hey, so we will be working together.
I : Ya, I’m all excited about this new project.
Diba: So which school is your kid
I : ABC School
Diba : Why not an international school, you can’t compromise with kids education these days.
She provokes me, but I hold my peace.
I: It’s a Convent School, close to my house, and has an international curriculum, and that was enough reason for me.
Though my words were calm, my face showed it all. She read my aggression through my body language. She was wicked and smart.
I wanted to tell about this subtle insult to my husband, so I called him. I was upset, he said, ‘Just ignore, drink water regularly or again you will have constipation problem’. I laughed.
At the cafeteria.
Diba : Hey, Good morning, wait, click.
She just clicked my picture???? I’m shocked.
Diba: Look at you, you have lovely features, you are just not taking care. What’s your beauty routine?
I felt she is going to hurl something bad at me. I knew not what.
I: Well…… I just use a moisturizer……
Diba : Babes! seriously, are you kidding me… I’ll get you my MAC tomorrow. Just try it.
I never have a proper answer ever, I was so silly. She caught me unaware, insulted me and played with words.
Urgent call to husband, ‘You know what she said……….’
Husband : I’m not here to listen to your cosmetic story. Just deal with it, your not a kid anymore.
Diba : Hmm look at this new bride, always talking to husband.
Silly Stupid me, I blushed.
Diba : Ok, Do you have the documents ready.
I : Yes here they are.
Diba : Great babes, you are a wise girl, you must be a smart wife also. But your quite dumb when to comes to presentations, you know.
I felt sudden rage, I snapped, ‘I guess your misfortune has rubbed in on me,’ I said. You should have seen her face. Not bad, that was a rip off. I was so happy with my victory.
She used praises to coax me, then she insulted me, degraded me before others. Why me, I who always believed in love and compassion. This time, I lost my patience, it was my turn to have revenge and I did. I wanted her to feel what humiliation is. I was successful. I also felt miserable, because she made me like her. I felt bad.
At home, ‘So tell me now, I was very busy this morning’. I told my husband all that happened. He said, ‘You are still impressionable, people are able to make you crumble, play with your emotions, don’t allow that to happen. May be you haven’t seen enough of the world, but if you have to work, you will have to learn to handle all this.
I hurt her yesterday, next morning at the office, I see Diba, guilt surges and the bad feeling returned.
Diba : Hey babes, someone is looking awesome, important meeting, hurry hurry hurry.
I did not blush, I smiled professing control and strength over my own emotions.
In this insult – revenge game that she played with me, I knew praise is her first weapon, insult is next.
Business call on School Gamification software development. We all expressed our ideas.
I : This software could be a bit complicated for students below 7th standard.
Diba smiles looking at me, ‘Well, now-a-days international school kids are well versed with all the knowledge and skill. My kid studies in an international school. They teach you things you’ve never heard of. Her kid studies in an ordinary school, she may be able to provide some inputs.
I was shocked, attacked, such hatred. I mind was shut down. All I could think of was my family, my kid, my husband, our dreams our hard work. She attacked my weakness. I felt so humiliated.
As long as it was me, I was fine, I showed forbearance. Now she had brought my kid into this game of insult. I could not do anything, I stopped talking to her.
She wanted me to be with her, so that she could know what was happening in my life, feel jealous, compare and then insult me when I least expect. She had a very cruel way of punishing the people she hated.
I felt pain for days, whenever I saw her I was angry, felt like crying and yes, slapping her. I could not tell this to my husband, not because he said ‘Learn to handle it yourself’, but I didn’t want to hurt him or relive the pain again.
Diba : Babes, come na, let’s go for pizza.
I : I’m just not in the mood for it. You’ll carry on.
The more I thought about it, the more I found reason to cry. I broke down in the washroom, I cried when no one was around.
Days later, I told my husband about it. He was angry, didn’t say a word.
He was angry and sad. Someone had ridiculed the dream we were creating, our hard work and forbearance. What can we do, can we change anything right now? No, it will take time.
He remembered the house we wanted to build, the vacation we wanted to take, the gold we wanted to buy for me, the car he loved. He said, ‘Don’t talk to her’. We were both silent. I gave him the pain Diba gave me.
I kept away from her and learnt to accept what happened.
Diba : Where are you babes, is everything ok, your upset about something, you can talk to me. Pretty girl is looking sad these days.
I understood, after this shower of praise she is going to spew venom.
I : Ya, some difficult financial decisions. We want to buy a new house. When you have a family, a husband so loving, a kid so adorable, you want the best for them. Thank God, my husband is always there for me when I’m depressed. We are working hard to make our dreams come true. It is not easy to create a home.
I could see the pain in her eyes.
I had to defend my family. Yes, I attacked her weakness. This was not my victory, because I did not rejoice. I was sad, because I had to do this. I had to fight for the pride of our family. I have not lost faith in Love, Compassion and Forgiveness. I’ve become stronger.
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I was a total failure at love. Marriage was not on my mind. I was 40. My mother worried about me.
At my aunt’s party. I saw this girl, she must be in her early thirties. She was simple and not very beautiful. Her eyes were grieving. She was lost and silent. I asked my aunt, who she was. My aunt said, she was a widow, who lost her husband 2 years ago.
Many proposals were brought to me, I just could not bring myself to like anyone. But that girl, that young widow, she had settled in my mind. I wanted to know her, talk to her.
I asked my aunt to help me. Turns out, she is our family friend’s daughter. It was easy to meet her again. I just had to trust my luck and wait for another family party. And here it was, this time it was a house warming ceremony.
I waited patiently and she came with her mother. My eyes were on her. She looked sad all the time. I guess she has not yet overcome her loss, I told my aunt. I tried to get a chance to talk to her. The house was a huge one. I saw her walking with some of her friends and I followed her.
I lost her and started searching for her. Suddenly we came face to face and she was startled. I was petrified and apologized, but she was scared, starred at me, as if she saw a ghost.
What an introduction. Bad start. I regretted scaring her. I was always thinking about her. My aunt became my agony aunt. She promised me she would do something. Next day, aunt has some credible information. The mother of the girl wanted her married, because she was old and ailing. She wanted to settle her as soon as possible.
So my aunt met her mother. The mother immediately agreed for the marriage. All was settled. Even on engagement day she did not look at me. I tried to talk to her but she spoke less and looked down or away instead. I thought she was shy.
We were now engaged, but her silence made me uneasy, so I decided to meet her. I went to her house. Her mother was so happy to see me, poor, as my mother-in-law made some tea for me, I got busy looking around the house.
She walks in and I say, Hi….. and suddenly she screams. I again apologize for scaring her and tried to calm her down. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, I hope you are fine’, I said. But wait, she was not scared because she thought it was someone. She was scared because it was me. Did I scare her? I was baffled.
I asked her, ‘Are you scared of me?’. She started crying inconsolably. Her mother showed me the picture of her husband, he was a striking image of me, so I look similar to her him.’
he had died in an accident. But as long as he lived he tortured her. He doubted her, beat her and inflicted pain on her. I was shaken and could not see her crying, so I walked out.
‘Ma give me some time’, she cried. ‘I don’t have time my daughter, my illness will take me one day and you will be left alone’.
Her pain hurt me. I thought for days about this. I thought she will continue to suffer if she marries me. She is getting married because of her mother. It is better we end this.
I will forget her I thought, she remained in my thoughts, but as days passed, I thought less about her and her pain. One day her mother, poor old lady came to my house. ‘You did not give me your answer’, she said. I dropped her home, I helped her get out of the car.
‘You are a good man’, old lady said.
‘This will not work’, said I. She cried.
‘Let me try one more time, tell your daughter, I’m here and I will talk to her. Please tell her it’s me, or she will scream again’. I sat down at their porch. She came, head bowed low, not wanting to see my face’.
What do you want to do with your life? ‘My first marriage was also an arranged marriage’, she said.
Look at me and please don’t scream. She looked at me. I don’t know what I feel about this marriage, but I want to help you. Let’s together end this nightmare. She looked at me, cried and said, ‘You look like him. I see his face when I see you’.
‘If you allow me I will show you something’. I took her hands and put them on my face. I covered my face and said, ‘Now look into my eyes, do you still see him or me’.
Our relation started with a need. Mine was to settle down in life. Her’s was the need for a husband, a protector, to fulfill her mother’s desire to see her daughter married and secure.
If you think this was the beginning of a beautiful marriage, that is still distant. She needed counseling and emotional support. It was not easy for us. Healing needs time and love, but there was no bond of love between us. I pitied her and she was grateful to me.
She was a good wife, who respected me and put my needs first. I always felt compassion for her and took care of her.
So it was not Love, but Compassion and Gratefulness that made our marriage work, till love slowly filled our lives. She sees my heart through my eyes. Though my face reminds her about her suffering, my eyes comfort her.
Years have passed, we both have seen many seasons together and are forever grateful for the peace and support we give each other. The eyes are the window of the soul. My eyes tell her everyday that I love her and she shows her love by being a good wife. Together we have ended a nightmare and created a beautiful life.
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Our story is not ‘Love at first sight’. We call it ‘Marriage at First Smile’.
I was going through a very tough phase of my life. My cousin, who was more than a sister and friend was in the middle of a bitter divorce. The cruelty I saw in her marriage, shattered my faith in marriage and even more in any man.
A routine day at work, my colleagues and I were having lunch. My phone rings, its mom. ‘They really like you’, Who likes me?’. ‘That Awesome Guy whom you like, he agreed for the marriage’.
Last week my dad’s brother had brought this marriage proposal. He came to meet me and my family.
I was least ready to enter into a marriage; I was still ravaged with the pain of my sister’s broken marriage. I needed time. I did not know if I would ever marry.
He was handsome and smart. The most eligible bachelor. He had pleasing manners and won everyone’s heart. What mighty impressed my family is that he spoke directly to me, he asked me about my job and about myself. I answered with zero blush, total disregard and care a damn attitude.
It was a 5 minute conversation, I must say, even I was impressed and if I owned a company, I would have offered him a CEO position. I could not help but pity this ‘Eligible Bachelor’ who had wasted his time to come and see me.
As I walked out, I turned back to see the ‘Eligible Bachelor’, whom I believed I would never see again. I looked at him over my shoulders and smiled, at him, whom I will never see again. He was taken aback by my act, smiled at me, and stared at me until I was out of sight.
And when I came to my room, mom said, ‘Say something, we are all waiting’. I hugged my mother and said, “He is Awesome”. Mom and I laughed like girls.
I told my heart, ‘Don’t worry, this is not going to work, because I will not let this marriage happen. Wrong timing dude. I am not getting married’.
That was last week and now my mom tells me, the Awesome Guy had said yes to our marriage. I was so totally rude; how can he like me. Did my smile confuse him? I hated myself for smiling at him.
My sister’s was a love marriage. So before I make the same mistake, my parents wanted this Non-risky Arranged Marriage to happen. No matter what a daredevil I was, I realized I was totally gutless before my parent’s happiness.
How can I marry, I hate men. I rebelled, became hysteric, watched four movies a week to stop thinking, went shopping. As the marriage date approached I grieved myself sick. Relatives started asking if I was really happy with the marriage. My dad called the Awesome Guy and asked him to talk to me. He could not meet so he called me. I wanted to tell him all, but I just could not. The aunty who came to apply henna, said ‘the bride does not look happy’.
Next day was the 14th, our marriage day.
That night, I cried myself to sleep. In my dream, I saw my best friend telling me, ‘Why are you destroying your life’. That was the last straw. I got up with a start, it was 14th, marriage was at 4pm. Early morning, I told my dad, I had to sign some documents at office and with the help of my sister, I went to meet my friend.
My friend was shocked to see me on my marriage day, with the heena and turmeric on my hands. I told her, ‘I saw you in a dream’ and before I could say anything else, she said, ‘Why are you destroying your life, Go back. May be God Has Chosen him for you’.
These words fell like a thunderbolt. She exactly repeated what I heard in my dream again, but she meant differently. How could this have happened? I cried till I could no more.
I felt trapped in deceit, how could I have been such a fool. My friend dropped me home. She managed everything. It was 4pm. I prayed, “Lord you have brought me to the Marriage Altar, now whatever happens, I accept your will’.
My dad had informed the Awesome Guy that, I will be a little late as I had some important office work. As I entered the Church, he was standing there, waiting for me. He came to me and said, “I thought you won’t come”. When I heard that, I was scared, I could not utter a word. I thanked God for bringing me to the Alter.
I felt divine peace as I walked with him towards the altar. He smiled as he read his vows. I carefully read mine. And we married. As we walked together, he held my hand and said, “I am so happy, you are now my wife”. I could not say anything. I smiled and teared.
My husband, I came to understand is not only confident but very loving. After some days, I gathered the courage to tell him what I did on our marriage day. He heard me in shock. He smiled, but he could not take it. It took him some time to talk to me. I thought I broke his heart forever.
After an hour he said. ‘From now on we will celebrate the 14th of every month, because we have been saved from a great trap’.
From that day onwards, we celebrate the 14th of every month. Even if it is a small dinner or an ice-cream, just anything, can’t forget our Marriage Miracle.
I asked him, what did you like about me, he said, ‘Your Smile’. So it was Indeed “Marriage at First Smile”. All things have work towards good. Since then 14th of every month, we wish each other, ‘Happy 14th dear’.
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Who am I. I asked myself. Here begins my story. I was his college crush. I am as beautiful as a vision. No one needs to tell me, I know that I am very desirable and ravishing pretty. I never cared for his feelings, slighted him and put him on my admirer’s list.
5 years later, I’m a successful professional. We meet at a family engagement, my cousin was marrying his brother. He was aghast looking at me, I was still the stunner, he adored. ‘Poor guy, Nothing has changed, he still loves me’, I thought.
He got married 3 years ago, someone told me, arranged marriage it was. Seriously, I thought. We wished each other and recollected college memories. Staring at me with awe, he fumbled as he spoke to me, made a fool of himself. There were will be many more events in this marriage, so I will see more of my admirer, thought I.
His wife was an average beauty, an office runner, level-headed and simple. I felt sad for him that he had to compromise with her. I waiting to see both of them together, wondering how they got along as husband and wife. Curiosity got the better of me. I decided to befriend her, my admirer’s brother was marrying my cousin, were now related, so why not get acquainted with his wife?
She was between simple and silly, professional and backward. Her looks were intangible, could not understand if I could call her good-looking or just ok. Well, that’s not my game. I was here to get some intelligence about, my admirer and his wife, their relation and all about his not so exciting life. As I was not yet married, this game was fun for me.
I beat her in beauty and confidence at every event. I beautified the dress I wore, added a beauty quotient to the place and everyone was in awe of me. My admirer’s wife struggled to look good, makeup was sometimes disastrous, while the color she chose made her a look so down market. Whatever I wore was ethereal and this was such a distraction to my poor admirer.
The grass is always green on the other side. I entered his life just 48 hours ago and created quite a ruckus. He just could not concentrate on his work when I was around. He struggled to look away from me. He was so smitten. He made me giggle girlishly. Oh how I wish my college girls were with me, we would have had a blast.
Finally, I see them talking to each other. There was nothing too great about their chemistry. Well to each his own.
I had seen enough. Now I wanted to end this game. Please don’t mistake me to be the other woman, I was just having some fun, polishing my ego and rejoicing in my divine beauty. Let’s end it at this. So I tried not to come face to face with my admirer.
As I let go of the game, I made sure my admirer saw less of me. This got him all uneasy. At the marriage ceremony, his eyes were searching for me and when I appeared, he was all adulation. His eyes paid compliments and his gaze praised me. Just that I was no longer interested in the game. It was enough for me to know that the ones I smite with my beauty will always be smitten.
As everyone was congratulating the couple, it was time for the family photo. This is a very important moment in marriages. I was speaking to his wife, he comes and tells me its photo time, holds her hand and takes his wife to the stage.
So my admirer and his wife and the whole family got together to make a beautiful picture. It was an emotional moment for the family, as he hugged his brother, they all gushed in happiness and family pride.
He offers his kerchief to his wife to wipe her face, tells her to set her jewelry, smiles and makes quick fixes to her hair. He puts his hand over her like a loving husband. He wanted the best picture with his wife beside him.
The grass is not green on the other side. The truth is the grass is green where you water it, care for it and protect it.
At that moment, I was belittled, my pride shamed me, I was non-existent to him. He held her with honor and dignity. He remembered me with guilt and shame. She was his life, I was just an object of desire.
They were so much in love with each other. This was their beautiful relationship, understanding, love and care. He and his average looking wife truly loved each other.
Who am I. I questioned myself. Was I his crush, the girl he adored or the girl he was still smitten with.
I represented his weakness, but his wife was his strength. I was the dream he desired, his wife was the life he would die for.
He may desire me, but his need is his wife, the love of his life. I am the beautiful picture painted by movies, soaps, desire and imagination. I am the perfection of beauty, but all you need is the wisdom that, there is nothing called perfection.
You will have to face me, whenever I decide to enter your life. It does not matter if you are a man or a woman, adult or middle aged, happily married or unhappily married. Just a passing phase or a serious stint. I will enter to distraught your life, to test you, to ravage and see how men and women fight with me.
You can feed my strength by hiding me or weaken me by earnestly seeking help. It is not humanly possible for you to break my strength, you will need the support of your helper, the one you married in your youth, together you can put up a tough battle.
I am the fire of desire, no one can carry me in their heart and not be burned. I will show you what you don’t have and lure you to follow me. I will fill you with pity for yourself and hatred for your partner. Guilt is my strength and the forgiveness of your helper is my weakness. Your anger and desire is my victory. Your self-control and wisdom is my weakness.
I will continue to lurk at the door of your heart. For I know all flesh is weak.
My name is Attraction, Temptation, Desire, Distraction, Dream, Deception and the word you hate, Lust.
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